So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
