I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
