I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
