I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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