Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
