i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
