my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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