my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If its not for food we ain't going out.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
