she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
