I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Holy sore nipples Batman
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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