He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
