She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
