So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
