my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
