I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
