True but thats because hes a fetus.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
