you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
