I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
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