Im at strip club and am horny
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
