Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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