I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
