Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
