I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
