Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
