My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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