I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just google imaged poop.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
