wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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