Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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