and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
