At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why do cheetos always look like penises
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
