forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
