my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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