i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
