Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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