OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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