Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
