so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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