just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
