Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
