I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
