my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Randomize
