He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
