Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
