all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
