Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
