Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
