also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
