Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
