So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
