If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
