no, he came in my armpit
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
